I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
