THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
