i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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