I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
