I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
