I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize