I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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