spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
