while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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