Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
