Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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