Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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