i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
