I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
