Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize