i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
