i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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