So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
