I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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