im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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