Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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