I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
His hands were made for my vagina.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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