nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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