Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
