final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
