I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just saw a hot homeless man
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
