When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
