K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
