A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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