see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
