what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm passing your future prison.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we're making bets on your personal life
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize