The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
