So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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