Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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