foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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