so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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