I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Duck Duck Cougar?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
