he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Randomize
