I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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