I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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