After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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