My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
