i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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