I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
