Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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