No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize