You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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