um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
