Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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