How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
