I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
