this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
