Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
