I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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