my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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