dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
